The Facts of Life
by lapsus calami
Summary: It’s time for growing up – James Potter realises the extent of his feelings for one Lily Evans, Remus Lupin copes with peer pressure, Sirius Black begins to experience the change (and embarrassment) of his developing voice, and Peter Pettigrew…
1. Padfoot

Title: The Facts of Life  
  
Author: lapsus calami  
  
Summary: It's time for growing up – James Potter realises the extent of his feelings for one Lily Evans, Remus Lupin copes with peer pressure, Sirius Black begins to experience the change (and embarrassment) of his developing voice, and Peter Pettigrew... Well, Peter stays the same.  
  
Note: For Padfoot (not Sirius...) – I wrote this mostly for you, as you have filled my head with your Azkaban convict obsessions. Here is what your insane ramblings have done! I have not once used 'Padfoot', 'Prongs', 'Wormtail', or 'Moony' in the entirety of this text – the reason being, they would NOT have had those nicknames yet, it being third year. They all entail to their Animagus counterparts, and they did not become Animagi until sixth year. So... Ja, loves.  
  
Another Note: This chapter mostly deals with Sirius and his whole 'voice changing' thing. It'll probably be more in depth with James in the next chapter, then Remus. +Nods+ However, Sirius will probably be the prominent protagonist throughout the series.  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the following characters. They all belong to Warner Bros. and the original author, JK Rowling. Except Clarissa Dillon. +Coughs discreetly+ I rather stole her from another book – combination of James Dillon and Clarissa Harvill/Oakes, from the Aubrey- Maturin series by Patrick O'Brian.  
  
+++  
  
Third year, Sirius decided, would be the very best yet.  
  
Certainly, his first had been all right – he actually worked, for a bit, trying to get the hang of his new schedule. Yet, as of then, not everyone was familiar with his face, his voice, and his general presence. He had been popular, in his own way, but not yet having achieved school-wide celebrity.  
  
Second year had been excellent – Sirius recalled it with a dreamy smile on his face. However, something had been – well, missing. He hardly had time to contemplate upon what exactly, but it struck him like one of Peter's wayward Disarming Charms.  
  
Of course – second year had missed but one thing! Something he had now... Sirius smirked with amusement, raising the book over his face so that Binns could not see his pleased grin (an unforgivable sin in the ghost's class). He was a teenager, now, of course – thirteen, one and three. His birthday had only just passed, last June. Sirius Black's slate-grey eyes narrowed with glee. Now, he was an angst-ridden, hormonal, bloody good-looking son of a bitch that simply could not be stopped.  
  
At long last, History of Magic had ended, and the glory of Friday seemed to be just about the corner. Sirius hummed a merry tune as he gathered his books from his desk and grinned as James Potter, partner in crime and newly instated Quidditch star, approached him.  
  
"Godric, Sirius," said James, with a bemused smile in greeting, "you're terribly cheerful for a Thursday."  
  
"Yes, well, Jamsie, m'bucko," Sirius replied, "life is almost scandalously wonderful."  
  
James cocked an eyebrow suspiciously. "Wait, a second..." His brow knitted in concern. "Is that girl going to put out t'night, or something? OW!"  
  
Sirius wagged his finger at James reproachfully, shaking off the pain from his knuckles of the other simultaneously. "You've got damn bony arms, mate – and NO, she isn't." Sirius sniffed haughtily. "Godric, James, you ARE so very crude."  
  
"PLEASE," said James, rolling his eyes. "Don't you start with THAT, now." Sirius blinked owlishly as his grey eyes scanned the classroom.  
  
"Eh, where's Pete and Remus?" he mused aloud, but his query was answered even as it flew from his lips.  
  
"Salut, jeunesse doree," said Remus as he plopped down onto what had been formerly Sirius's chair. "Ça va?"  
  
Peter sat cross-legged on top of the opposite desk. "Eh, wha'd he say?" he asked Sirius, who shook his head and shrugged.  
  
Remus sighed audibly, somewhat more dramatically than necessary, and shook his head mournfully. "Good God, what are we to do with you three? Hopeless..." He opened his hands, palms up, to the ceiling, as 'though in prayer. "An ounce of sense in their heads – it's all I ask!"  
  
"Ah-HEM."  
  
Sirius, James, and Peter all looked up, and Remus withdrew his gaze from the stony heavens. Professor Binns, who looked as 'though he might have been tapping his foot on the floor impatiently, had he any human feet to tap, was glaring at them impressively with a foul frown. Sirius smiled meekly and nodded politely. "Er, we'll just be going then, right?"  
  
+++  
  
"Um, since when d'you get detention for staying after class for, like, five minutes?"  
  
Peter dropped into a comfortable armchair by the fire, almost disappearing in it's cushy depths. Sirius lent him a quick hand and pulled the boy from what would have been almost certain death – suffocation, no doubt. However, James continued without a blink. Lupin attempted to ignore him – James had been ranting for the better part of the last four hours, even 'though the punishment hadn't been so very bad (twenty minutes after class).  
  
"Wretched old bastard," James continued to grumble. "Cor, s'no wonder he's a ghost! He would'a gone to hell for tormenting his students elsewise!" James, clearly not desiring to die just yet through a fathoms deep lounge chair, sat down on the just as comfortable rug. Sirius made room on the stony perch by the fireplace for Remus, who leaned his cheek upon his hand, looking bored.  
  
"So," said Sirius with a smirk, "got any plans for Hogsmeade on Saturday?" He winked genially at James.  
  
"Who, me?" Remus blinked rapidly as Sirius nodded mirthfully. "'Course not," he replied, almost laughing at the thought. "What d'you mean – why would I have plans?"  
  
"'Cause of all the girls making moon eyes at'cha, o'course!" Sirius chuckled, shaking his head, thinking this terribly funny, especially since the idea was somewhat more inclined to his own person; this prevented his seeing Lupin's frown upon the term 'moon eyes' – nor did James, or Peter, for that matter.  
  
Remus shook his head and rose from his seat. "Yeah, whatever." He brushed some ash from the back of his trousers. "I'm going to bed," he announced. "See you." With that, he trotted up the dormitory stair well and disappeared.  
  
James raised an eyebrow. "Moody, isn't he?" he remarked, just a hint of facetiousness playing about his tone. Sirius smiled.  
  
"Well, we all have our moments, right?" Sirius shrugged. "At any rate, I just brought it up so I could talk about MY plans." He grinned roguishly. "Darling Clarissa is finally going to take me back."  
  
James looked at him dubiously. "Clarissa DILLON?" Sirius nodded in assent. "She's as daft as a – a –" James searched his mind for a moment, hoping to find a word that properly described the exact extent of Clarissa Dillon's stupidity. "As an unconscious cave troll," he ended lamely – a somewhat lacking simile, yet it did the job.  
  
Sirius frowned – that did indeed convey Master Potter's exact point. "Next time I want your opinion, Potter," Sirius scowled, "I'll ask for it. And next time I want BRAINS in a girl," he smirked, "I'll go after Evans." James grimaced and mumbled something about his being not funny, not funny in the least. Sirius grinned at his sudden deficiency of retorts. "Actually, I think old Moody had the right idea – I'm going to hit the hay." He stood and checked the back of his trousers for the slightest mark – of course, they were already a soot grey colour, and he laughed.  
  
James blinked. "Already? It's only – what, eleven o'clock?" Peter, ever vigilant, checked his watch and piped that it was actually eleven thirty- seven. James rolled his eyes at him and turned back to Sirius. "You're joking, right?"  
  
"Nope!" Sirius grinned. "Well, it's the first Hogsmeade weekend on Saturday, right?" James nodded. "Well, I need to start preparing! Can't have big purple bags 'neath me eyes the day before Hogsmeade, can I? Need me beauty sleep, an' all that." He fluttered his eyelashes girlishly. "G'night, James."  
  
"'Night, Sirius," Potter replied as he fought back a yawn. "What a bunch of girls," he said once Sirius too had vanished. "Goin' to bed at eleven thirty... Right, Pete?" He inclined a head towards Peter, who had fallen fast asleep, leaning his head against the armchair and a bit of drool hung from the side of his mouth.  
  
+++  
  
"Good morning, Sirius."  
  
Remus was, like clockwork, fixing his sheets and comforters, already in his trousers and shirtsleeves. The sweater vest hung from his waist, clinging to his hips where he had tied the arms, and his gold and maroon tie dangled from his right shoulder. Sirius propped his lazy head against the pillow, left cheek pressed against the white down. "'Wake? Already?" he mumbled groggily – his voice was curiously low for ''Wake', and for the first two syllables of 'Already'; however, the last part was peculiarly high. This escaped Remus's notice, however.  
  
"Yes, you've to wake, already," Remus answered, as he did each morning. "Come on – get up." He attempted to tug Sirius's pillow from beneath his black head.  
  
"Five more minutes, Mum!" Sirius cried – again, his voice broke. This was, 'though, from the safety of his pillow, which he had lodged safely over his head. Muffled as they were, Remus did not notice once more.  
  
"Just – get – up!" Remus finally managed to tug the pillow away, launching himself backwards and into his own four-poster in the process, and wrenched Sirius from his own bed and onto the floor.  
  
"Oooow," Sirius moaned, but it came out rather differently than his usually baritone, it was a shriek that pitched from bass to alto and back again. Remus started, standing up abruptly, looking out the window and back at Sirius.  
  
"Was that a BIRD?" he asked, and Sirius himself did not look so very certain. Remus stared at him for a few moments before bursting into laughter. "I can't BELIEVE THIS!" Remus cried, tears almost pouring from his eyes. "Your VOICE is CHANGING!" He collapsed back onto his mattress and tried to hold back any further cries of mirth.  
  
Sirius reddened and clasped his throat. He opened his mouth again, and, indeed, it was a sharp, uncontrollable yelp. Just as quickly he shut it again, and gazed bleakly at the laughter stricken Lupin. "Aw, cripes," he groused, but realised again that to speak was to humiliate – 'cripes' was a barely coherent screech. Again, he clamped his mouth shut. Reaching for the notepad that always rested on Lupin's nightstand, he quickly wrote a few words with a Muggle pencil he found there. Sirius, uncharacteristically solemn, held it up, recalling his date with the none too clever and social conscious Clarissa the very next day. 'What am I going to do???' 


	2. Prongs

Note: For Prongs, as Prongs has finally seen 'Master & Commander'. +Grins+ Good show!  
  
Another Note: This is short. Damn. I'm sorry. +Shakes head sheepishly+  
  
+++  
  
While Peter's snores only just began to even out rhythmically, James peered up at the grey blur – his glasses sitting on his nightstand – that was his ceiling.  
  
'And next time I want BRAINS in a girl, I'll go after Evans.'  
  
Sirius's words echoed oddly in his ears – James tossed about, moving his position onto his left side, head resting on his arm, which, in turn, lay on his pillow. Lily Evans? Sure, probably the prettiest Ravenclaw – the prettiest girl in the whole SCHOOL, James reasoned silently – but he didn't LIKE her. Not really. It was really something of a joke – pretend to like the pretty red-head (red-head didn't do her justice, actually – garnet- haired, James decided, was nearer the mark), with her flashing green eyes (that didn't suit, either – sparkling jade orbs...), just for a laugh.  
  
The Gryffindor Chaser contemplated his prior thoughts and scowled. 'Good God,' he moaned inwardly. 'I _do_ like her.'  
  
He rolled over once more, successfully entangled his legs in the sheets, and rested his chin on the pillow, his arms wrapped about the cushion protectively. So, he liked Lily Evans. So, what? James frowned. Lots of boys probably liked Lily Evans – hell, she was a lot finer than any of those Blacks; Narcissa, Bellatrix, and Andromeda didn't hold a candle to Lily.  
  
'What am I _thinking_?' he rebuked silently. 'I am a Quidditch star now! Condemned to a life of bachelorhood – of debauchery! Not to be tied down to one garnet-haired, sparkling jade-orbed girl!'  
  
James groaned and shut his eyes, set on slumber. He was also set on another thing – to NOT like Lily Evans.  
  
However pretty she might be.  
  
+++  
  
The next morning, James dragged himself unwillingly from his four-poster. Peter was still breathing gently from beneath several twisted comforters, and James left him there to sleep a little while yet. On the direct other side of the dormitory, however, his two other friends were wide-awake. James slogged wearily towards them, amending his spectacles on his nose, ill fitting as they were on his thin face. "Whazzat?" he mumbled tiredly as he saw Remus collapse once more in a fit of laughter.  
  
Sirius looked up from his mournful gaze towards Remus, still holding a piece of paper that read, 'What am I going to do???' "Do 'bout what, Si?" James muttered as he fought back a yawn.  
  
Sirius clamped his mouth shut and shook his head vigorously – had James thought it possible, he would have said an expression of doubt shrouded his features. "Cor, what's goin' on?" James said, looking at Remus.  
  
Remus sat up again and wiped what James believed to be tears from his eyes. "Sirius – O, Godric..." He took a deep, shuddering breath. He gave a mournful glance at Sirius, whose mouth was agape with protest. Lupin frowned at seeing this and shook his head. "Eh... I'm sorry, James," he said finally. "He doesn't want you to know – aw, damn." He scowled. "I've to keep a secret? From JAMES?" Sirius nodded fiercely.  
  
James looked at Remus in shock. "WHAT?" he cried, aghast. "A secret? You – you CAN'T!" He looked prepared to throttle the little goody-goody – as a matter of fact, that seemed like a favourable option...  
  
Remus shook his head again. "I can't. I'm sorry, James," he said apologetically. "I mean, 'tis his own business – if he wants to let you know..." He trailed off lamely, and loosened the sweater from his waist and wrenched it over his golden head.  
  
James stared, his voice lost and expression as a victim of numerous Stunning Spells. "Lupin," he murmured in a last ditch effort. "C'mon, you HAVE to tell me..." 'Though Remus would not leave the safe hold of his sweater. "Sirius?" He shook his head forcefully, and James scowled. "Fine!" said James resentfully. "Go on your OWN way, then – keepin' secrets, my arse... You can go whisperin' about my back without me, then."  
  
With those final words, he stalked away towards Peter. Sirius opened his mouth to call out to his best friends, but closed it again. Remus's head appeared from the neck hole, and gazed after James. He mouthed wordlessly, and looked to Sirius for an explanation. He, however, could not give one: Sirius was just as astonished as the werewolf.  
  
+++  
  
"Unprovoked, completely off my guard – hey, are you listening?"  
  
Sirius looked up from his plate, mournfully stockpiled with potatoes and nodded plaintively. Certainly, Remus and Sirius were the best of friends (undeniable), 'though Sirius generally joked, laughed with James, whilst Remus was either talking to Peter (who consented immediately) or had his nose in a book. Master Black took a chalkboard (provided by the Muggle Studies professor) and scribbled a few words.  
  
Remus peered at it, squinting his eyes so as to see. "'Godric'," he read, "'does Potter have PMS?'?" Lupin blinked and frowned. "Not funny, Sirius..."  
  
Sirius looked down again at his food, just as crestfallen as before. Things simply were not the same without James, or even Peter, who James had dragged away towards the forbidden girls side of the table. Sirius glanced over to the dreaded region, where things were not going particularly well.  
  
"Well?" said a red-haired girl questioningly, faint disdain written across her features. "What d'you want, James?"  
  
James opened his mouth and asked silently for aid as he peeked at Peter. "Er... I –" James closed his mouth again.  
  
"Well?" Lily Evans repeated, a little kinder.  
  
"Will-you-go-out-with-me-on-Saturday?" he blurted at last. James had finally succeeded in turning his cheeks the colour of a turnip, which contrasted dangerously with the dark of his hair. Lily didn't reply, and James wilted in the time that she looked at him in awe. "C'mon, Pete," he muttered, turning away.  
  
"Yeah," said Lily with a shrug. "Sure, why not, James? Hogsmeade, huh?" James nodded wordlessly as he turned about again. "I'd be happy to." Certainly, it was mostly out of pity, but why not?  
  
James nodded again and turned away, Peter scurrying at his side. A ridiculous, soppy grin had exploded across the Chaser's features. A particular habitant of the Slytherin table did not share this expression, however.  
  
"How charming," sneered Severus Snape, lowering a book from above his face with a scowl. "So, this is how the mating process of an idiot begins – they track down the female, and utter a torrent of stupidity until the victim feels so BADLY for them, they cannot help but accept their advances." He smirked. "Charming," he repeated.  
  
James glared at Snape; anger rose in his formerly embarrassed cheeks. His hazel eyes narrowed, and his lips moved to form a hiss. "I'll not take that from you, SNIVELLUS," he murmured dangerously. Peter gawked at James, uncertain of what to do – generally, it was Sirius at James's side, egging him on, threatening with him.  
  
"And what are you going to do about it, Potter?" Snape jeered icily. "Please, do tell – I'm vaguely interested."  
  
James looked as 'though he were about to jump Snape, there and then, had the teachers not been present, not some furlongs away. "I'll deal with you later," he muttered before turning away.  
  
"O, later? After you've fetched your thesaurus and figured out how exactly to say what you DO mean, I've no doubt." James's ears were now a comely shade of scarlet.  
  
"Duel," James snarled out of the corner of his mouth. "I'll kick your sorry arse from here to Ushant..."  
  
"I look forward to it," Snape murmured with a disarming smile. He was not, however, supported by his housemates – they were looking lazily at James, wondering who would be the victor: the enemy, or the scapegoat? 


	3. Moony

Note: God, I don't think I've had this much angst in a fic since... I don't even know. Oo;; They're so damn sensitive...

* * *

The remainder of the day was like escorting a mute about – Remus greatly disliked the fact that he, an innocent bystander, was given the task of explaining exactly WHY Sirius refused to speak. Well, to be quite correct, he explained exactly why in rather fictitious sense: to blatantly tell that Sirius's voice was changing actually ruined the entire point of his not speaking, after all.  
  
"Christ," Lupin muttered to himself as he and Sirius trudged into the library as the evening drew on. "James and Snape are going to duel... Not to down James, but Snape – well, he knows more hexes than..." He searched silently for someone whom Snape was more versed in the Dark Arts than. "More than anyone I know of," he finished. Sirius shrugged, turning a cheek the instant James was mentioned.  
  
"O, please," Remus said, rolling his eyes. "I swear – he's just pissed because we won't tell him something. That's exactly what YOU'D do," he pointed out, but Sirius refused to listen. With a sigh, Remus dropped the subject and sat down at a lengthy table. Sirius selected a book from one of the numerous shelves and sat down opposite him, raised the book high over his face, and pretended to ignore him.  
  
The single most unexpected person to sit down at their table – well, with the exception of 'Dangerous' Dai Llewellyn – did so without much ado. She smiled breezily and pulled up a book. Remus cocked an eyebrow dubiously as he found himself opposite Lily Evans. Sirius looked up momentarily, saw who it was, and promptly scribbled 'Traitor' on his chalkboard.  
  
"Mind if I join you?" she asked, ignoring Sirius.  
  
"Er... Sure –" Remus began, but caught the deadly stare of one Master James S. Potter, Esquire, from across the library. Peter stood next to him, looking sheepish, and James made a number of rather explicit gestures. "Actually," Lupin said, "I think Sirius and I have to be off – see you, Lily –" Without any further ado, Remus dragged Sirius by the sleeve out of the library.  
  
'What are you doing?' Sirius scrawled across the chalkboard. 'We can piss James off!'  
  
"What, and never speak to him again?" replied Remus exasperatedly. "I for one don't intend to be at war with James for the rest of my life, thank you so very much. But hanging around with Lily is a good way to start. Not something I want to do." He checked his watch. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some – er, things to care to." Lupin began to stride away quickly down the hall towards the Hospital Wing.  
  
Sirius began to cry 'Wait up!', but thought better of it and bolted after his friend. 'What's up?' he wrote. 'What "things"?'  
  
"None of your business," Remus responded sharply, his voice nearly an inhumane snarl. Sirius, taken aback, stepped away in mock-fear. Remus rolled his eyes. "Oh, don't be stupid – I just... Have to go." With that, he strode away again, leaving Sirius alone in the corridor.  
  
"What are they up to?"  
  
James leaned against the pillar, allowing Peter to take a peek down the corridor. Invisible behind the marble barrier, James and Peter watched the minor dispute between Sirius and Remus. James wrinkled his nose. "Where's Remus off to...?" he mused aloud quietly.  
  
"Why's that matter?" piped Peter; his voice suddenly caused James to realise that he DID care what they did, in spite of himself. He scowled, eager to suppress any such sentiments.  
  
"It doesn't," James replied, sniffing haughtily. "Hell, they can have ALL the secrets they want. I'M off for a duel." He strode imperiously in the opposite direction, ignoring the feeling of Sirius's gaze at the back of his head.  
  
"James –" Peter began, looking forlornly back at Sirius: should James continue with this little squabble, HE would be obliged to be James's second. Against Snape. Not fun, for someone who was failing Defence class. Fatally so, it would seem.  
  
Master Potter ignored Peter's plea and continued to march down the corridor. Peter took one last glance back at Sirius, mouth agape at this clear snub, and followed reluctantly behind.  
  
Faced with no other decision, Sirius sped down the hall after Remus. 'PLEEEEEASE!' the chalkboard proclaimed. 'Let me come with you!'  
  
Remus glared at Sirius. "No."  
  
'I have to come!' Sirius wrote. 'I have to! James and Peter will think –'  
  
"Since when do you care what they think?" Remus returned, turning away. "Now, go away. I have to get some stuff taken care of."  
  
'What stuff?' demanded Sirius. 'What sort of things?'  
  
"None of your business, sort of things." Remus scowled. "Really – you're being daft. I can't tell you."  
  
Sirius stopped in his tracks, an expression of sudden realisation and disgust spreading across his features. He quickly wrote something on the chalkboard, shoved both board and stick of chalk into Remus's hands, and stalked away. Remus glanced down at the letters and frowned. "Sirius," he began, but the retreating Gryffindor simply raised a silencing hand as he left.  
  
Lupin sighed, letting the board fall as he relaxed his arm, lowering it into the gentle sway as he walked slowly in the opposite direction, towards the Hospital Wing. Why did this condition of his have to complicate everything? 


End file.
